A MOMENT TO MYSELF

 2009© DeLeVi

I would like to say the I was fooled, tricked, hoodwinked and bamboozled when I first met her.

The truth is that she showed me who she was that same day.

But I ignored the flaw and saw the face. I should have seen the weapon and got to steppin'.

I made an excuse for the behavior, for her, for us.

I would have to have an excuse to be attracted.

But instead I acted, reacted and packed it up.

I saw myself angelic, self-righteous, all above and none below.

I made up that excuse and told it to myself until it felt good, until I could walk with it.

I told it to myself, to me. I told me.

Then I believed what I told me although I couldn't conceive what I told me.

And then I forgot about the flaw, the problem so I couldn't solve' em.

I couldn't remember it. I didn't want to remember it.

I wanted to believe it.

I believed it.

What?

The excuse...

Excuse for what?

One day I had a moment to myself and got a glimpse of something that was odd but familiar.

Odd but familiar? That couldn't be what I think I saw.

No, Hell no, Naw Naw Naw

After all I am who I am and who I am could not and would not be damned.

THINK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE! Think about myself? Take a moment to yourself.

My hurt, my pain is mine. I am the victim of me.

I've got to forgive me. I've got to give me...

A moment to myself.

Broken Heart Surgery

Jan 31, 2009

Occasionally we get our hearts broken from the inside out. The wound is internal and can be eternal. The trick is to recognize that it is there. When you question things that are bigger than your last relationship based on your last relationship, you probably have an internal broken heart. And like any decent doctor will tell you; you need open heart surgery to fix it. Frightening yes, but necessary to continue your life without missing those intrinsic beats. Opening your heart and letting some one who knows about hearts operate is the only cure. This person/surgeon needs to have seen this kind of heart before and preferrably been a survivor of  it to know exactly what it needs. This person must have the necessary tools to operate. This person needs a sterile environment, free from germs and parasites. In choosing your surgeon, you should ask what their motivation is in operating on you. If the answer is she wants you to live for her, that is the wrong answer. RUN! Find another surgeon, you will end up in the hospital again. If the answer is because you are choosing to live, that is the right answer. Opening your heart for any other reason might mend it but will never heal . It is all about you. Wanting a healthy heart is the first step.

TermiNATION

Why is everyone surprised that Governor Arnold did not grant Tookie Williams clemency; after all he is the Terminator? Just because Arnold comes from a country where there is no death penalty doesn't mean he likes that; after all he did move to the United States. America loves to kill! As soon as we think we have a reason, we will kill. Do not ever think that a Nigger that started organized crime 30 years ago is ever going to get a break. I don't care if Jesus showed up in his cell with a video tape of the crimes he is accused for and it was seen by thousands that he really didn't do it.  Saving Tookie was on the list of ITSHAY THAT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN! Tookie had to die.
(A sane person knows that there is no good reason to kill) Self preservation is a completely different thing, so please don't go there.

This country is based on killing:

Europeans come here and see the Indians/Native Americans - Kill em!
Hey, look at all these buffaloes - Kill em!
They need some one to work the land, they go get slaves and if the slave won't work - Kill em!
The President  wants to abolish slavery - Kill em!
The slaves are free - kill em!
Them Niggers in Tulsa got a Black Wall Street - Kill em!
We've got an atomic bomb we haven't used yet and think about Pearl Harbor - Kill em!
The Jews don't want to stay in Germany any more but the Palestinians have some land they like - Kill em!
These people are supporting communism - Kill em!
This President does not want to escalate the war in Viet Nam - Kill em!
This Muslim Nigger X is trying to bring all the Muslim sects together - Kill em!
That President we killed’s brother is running for President and he wants to stop the war - Kill em!
That Nigger Preacher is messing with labor unions and the war instead of marching like he usually does - kill em!
It's 3 guys down here in Mississippi trying to get Niggers to vote - Kill em!
This here boy from Chicago whistled at a White woman - kill em!
The Black Panthers are uniting with Chinks, Spics and Injuns - Kill em!
Those Move people in Philadelphia won't come out their house - Kill em!
We need to blow up the WTC but it's an awful lot of people in there - Kill em!

Why save Tookie when they are on a roll?

Was it Rap music that brought the use of the word "nigger/niggah" to the forefront? I'm not absolutely sure that it has been used so loosely among blacks for a long period of time. When I was younger, all of my families use to refer to Blacks as "Aunt Hagie's Children." Regardless of how it re- emerged, I still suggest that White people don't use the term in front of Black people unless you are trying to start a fight. Every Black person won't hit you, but a lot will. Mexicans can get away with it sometimes (In English Only). Arabs can get away with it sometimes if you are behind the glass of one of your stores or are dark skinned. Asians are right next to White people on this one. Native Americans, we really don't have enough data in on you all yet.

My friend Tanya, whom is White, used "niggah" to describe her boyfriend who wouldn't give her half the money on an abortion she needed. My friend Kathy, whom is White, told me that I had nigger rigged the duct taped food dehydrator. Dave, whom is White, told me that the opposing football team asked him why he played on a team with all niggers. I did not lash out at either of them. I did cringe but the amazement was too much. Why did they feel comfortable enough with me to say that? Would they say it if I was dark skinned with dreadlocks? How did they know that I would not knock their teeth out before they got the second syllable out? I don't think I come off as a whus that does not have it in them to slap them to sleep. So, I had to come up with a theory. I believe that they are innately explorers and they say that to see where they stand. At the moment that they used it, they were willing to sacrifice their front teeth for the sake of knowing. That's what White people do. It's not a bad thing. In fact, that's why we have to appreciate them and keep them around. There is a certain knowledge base that (I can only speak for Mine) Black folk have no interest in finding out about. Left up to us, we would not know which snake is poisonous and which is not. White people will find this out by risking their life to study it. We will run from or kill it, no study needed.  We can deal with snakes post mortem, "Taste like chicken." We don't need to know the mating habits, or the various types of sharks. All we need to know is if a shark can make it into this water. Most of us are not getting in water that is not pumped in anyway. We don't need to know what it feels like to sky dive or bungee jump. Being pulled over for a traffic violation is near death experience enough for us. But these are the reasons that you must appreciate White people and I do.

As for them using the word "Nigger;" It's their teeth. Not every Black person is going to be like me and give you a pass for the sake of academics. Now I know you White folk will hear the Black folks calling each other Niggahs in front of you. You too may even be called a Niggah occasionally. And you will say to yourself that it's not fair. But if you haven't established a strong relationship prior to your use of the word, the chances of you loosing your teeth increase exponentially.  It's fair! You owned and wielded that word for over 400 years and it was debilitating to us. The Civil War came around and you lost your use of the word. You wouldn't give up the flag, so we took the word. You wouldn't give us reparations, so we took the word. So to give you carte blanche use of the word - SHIT THAT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN, Niggah!

I am sick of hearing about Mexicans in this country. Big freaking deal! What is everyone afraid of? The only thing I ever hear is that they come here, work and send the money back home. Or here is what some one says when they believe they are giving me a rational thought, "...They come here and have babies and expect the Government to pay for it..." That could really tear the economy down huh? Every race here is an immigrant except Native Americans! Why aren't we against Germans coming here? They've got the worst reputation.

What's really sickening about the Mexican situation is that Blacks and Chicanos say this bigoted stuff also. Now I feel as though I can speak to the Blacks personally. My Brothers and Sisters, SHUT THE FUCK UP! If it wasn't for the Mexicans and Arabs being the New Niggers, you wouldn't have time to even think about this. You know damn well we haven't been able to take too much Sun since Africa, so you were not trying to get that landscaping job. And how much could these restaurant jobs depend on you? Right...until you got a better job. Not until you could speak English better and find something else. A Black person working at a fast food restaurant for over 6 weeks is rare. And the other stuff about a bunch of them living in the same house. When I was about 7 years old, my Grandmother, 2 Aunts and their husbands and my 4 first cousins lived in a two bedroom flat in Chicago. Did that make us Mexicans? Sometimes a bunch of us would go to the store in the only car in the family. Did that mean we were Mexicans? Nope, it meant we were poor!

The President can waste all the money in the treasury on this one too. How ignorant is it to make up cards that allow Mexicans to stay here for 3 years and work when they already are? Keeping Mexicans out of the US is one of the top 3 on the list of SHIT THAT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!

Evolution vs. Intelligent Design

Or

Can We Get One Monkey To Stop This Show

When I first saw that there was actually a debate going on Evolution vs. Intelligent Design, I thought it was a bad joke. But I should never underestimate the stupidity of the American public. Sure enough there were people actually mad about evolution being taught in school and not Intelligent Design. This is the exact equal to comparing a poisonous dart frog to a kiss it and it will turn into a prince frog.  One of these frogs doesn't exist it just plain ole doesn't exist! How do I know? Because I can find a poison dart frog for sale on EBay. But I will kiss your butt on Main Street in front of the bank before it opens if you bring me that other type of frog. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?  I find it frightening to think that there may be a lot of people out there that think that Devine Whatever should be taught in school.  How about them going back to school and learning what the Constitution says about the church and the state.

I'm really not saying that a God doesn't exist. I'd be an idiot to say that simply because I don't know. And the fact is, no one knows for sure. It's that fear of fire that keeps most believing. Burning for eternity is not something that I would want to do either. So I leave it at that. I treat people the way I want to be treated and try to do well. If that ain't enough, I'm not going to make it. Me in heaven will be on the list of ITSHay THAT AINT GONNA HAPPEN. But what I cannot and will not believe in is the God that is in the Bible. That God is mean, he plays favorites and He smites too much. I'm convinced that man made that God up because he sounds too much like a man. The Jesus character was cool but the same ones that liked the mean God killed Jesus and he was suppose to be God's son. And it's all twisted where if you don't do this or that and confess this or that and do something with Jesus' name you will not be saved and go to heaven. It stands to reason that several people that I don't want to be around for eternity will go through whatever rigmarole to go to heaven, so I'm just not absolutely sure Heaven is where I'd want to be. What about all the rainforest tribes that have never heard of the salvation/heaven initiation ceremony? Do they have to go straight to hell? How about Jews who don't believe that Jesus was God's son anymore than James Earl Jones is. They have to go straight to hell too. But the Nazis that tortured and killed 11 million people they can get the salvation/heaven deal.
     Did anyone notice that's insane, "Well, God works in mysterious ways". If that is not the best catch all phrase ever created, I don't know what is. I'm almost sure the author could be found if we did a past life regression on Carl Rove. He had to write that.  One of his other lives authored this one too, "Friends should never talk about politics or religion".  The truth of the matter is that there are only two things that friends should talk about; religion and politics, because those are the two things that control you. The reason you might not want to is because if you ever thought some of your friends were mildly retarded, a conversation on either of the two subjects will remove all doubt. Some of the smartest people will become babbling idiots when it comes to religion.  When it comes to politics their just ignorant. Their brains turn off when it comes to the Bible and or God. Fear is an excellent tool for someone or something that wants to control you. Instill in everyone the thought that you will be tortured with fire not for a lifetime but forever (Fire hurts in a millisecond) if you piss off God and you can rule the world simply by knowing what pisses God off. Evolution obviously pisses God off and several people received the memo stating it.

"After a six-week trial,
U. S. District Judge John E. Jones issued a 139-page findings of fact and decision in which he ruled that the Dover mandate was unconstitutional.  Judge Jones's decision was surprisingly broad.  He concluded that "ID is not science," but rather is a religious theory that had no place in the science classroom.  Jones found three reasons for his conclusion that intelligent design was a religious, and not a scientific, theory.  First, he found ID violated  "the self-imposed convention" of the scientific method by relying upon a supernatural explanation for a natural phenomenon, rather that the approach favored in science: testability.  Second, ID is based on the same "contrived dualism" as creation science, namely its suggestion that every  piece of evidence tending to discredit evolution confirms intelligent design.  Jones found ID's "irreducible complexity" argument to be "a negative argument against evolution, not proof of design."  Finally, Jones concluded that the expert testimony offered by the defendants in support of ID (generally relating to "irreducible complexity") had been refuted in peer-reviewed research papers."

(Retrieved Nov. 25, 2005 from http://www.law.umkc.edu/faculty/projects/ftrials/conlaw/evolution.htm)

            Educated people are standing up and arguing about the absolute ridiculous.  Why? Fear. If it is not fear, then what is it? The only other thing I could come up with is that they believe that they are good friends with God and have the inside scoop.  To be good friends with someone requires a time factor such as from childhood. That is when we usually first get introduced to God. Along with being introduced to God and his neighborhood, Heaven, we are introduced to his arch enemy or evil twin, the Devil and his side of town, Hell. And you are learning this on the good side of town but if you mess up, you are going to the other side of town. And just imagine that boo boo that you did when you touched your mother's curling iron is going to happen all over your body for eternity.  That is a horrible concept to teach a child.  From a psychological point of view, the constant state of fear will result in a reconfiguration of the brain.

"Simply stated, then, the fear response will involve a tremendous mobilization and activation of systems distributed throughout the brain: terror involves cortical, limbic, midbrain and brainstem-based neurophysiology (see Gorman, Liebowitz, Fyer, & Stein, 1989). Because the neuronal systems alter themselves in a 'use-dependent' way in response to patterned, repetitive neuronal activation, a state of terror will result in patterned, repetitive neuronal activation in this distributed and diverse set of brain systems – resulting in a set of 'memories.' In each of these areas -- mediating cognitive, motor, emotional and state-regulation — elements of the traumatic event will be 'stored.' Memories of trauma have been created (see Terr, 1983; Pynoos and Nader, 1989; Schwarz and Kowalski, 1991; Schwarz and Perry; 1994). (Retrieved Nov. 25, 2005 from "http://www.childtrauma.org/ctamaterials/memories.asp)

This results in an improper thought pattern when this subject arises from our long term memory. The marvelous thing about brain development is that it never stops until you die. You do not have to have improper thought patterns all your life, you can fix them.  Stop trying to conceptualize God as an angry, bigoted guy you know. Remove Hell from existence and you are free.

I noticed long ago that if there is a choice to be made by a large group of people, the one that is most likely to be detrimental to the chooser will be chosen. Case in point, Barrabas, whom was chosen over Jesus? How did that happen? Allegedly Pilot gives the Jews a choice of who can be saved from execution and the masses choose Barrabas the murderer/thief. Well if you let that other one that is blaspheming saying that he is the King of the Jews live, then we may have to think. Understand that I believe the underlying reason is just that. PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME THINK! Is the fear of thinking due to the fear of being exposed as stupid? Partially. It is the fear of thinking due to the fear of being wrong? Minutely. I believe the fear is from not wanting to be different from the majority. In the split second when mass decisions are made there is a quick calculation made of the majority response and that's what those with cattle mentality will go for as if it was an original thought.

Now let's relate this to modern times. How is it that the majority of people in the United States could actually think that it's ok for the Supreme Court to nominate the President? The only way to do this is to have people that don't want to think and some one on a mission that knows that. How is it that the majority of people can go along with attacking a sovereign country for no other reason than "we can"? Here in Oklahoma we had a similar incident happen. A man had his electricity cut off for non payment and was quite angry about it. So when the meter reader for the gas company came around to do his job, the angry man in the dark killed the gas man. Do you see the symmetry? Of course that man was punished, the other was not.
At present, there are so many things that are absolutely insane going on that it does make you want to shut your brain off and not think about it. In the Matrix movie your choice would be the blue pill and you would simply become a battery cell for the "Machines". Let's look at some of the reasons:

1. An election stolen twice.
2. America attacked in a way that now one could have planned for because no one here has thoughts with conviction like that.
3. Osama Bin Laden named as the culprit but no one and no amount of money can find him. Possibly because of the close ties of the Bin Laden family to the present administration.
4. Iraq which had nothing to do with it attacked and its leader now in court for killing all that had anything to with his assignation attempt in the eighties.
5. The US uses white phosphorous and depleted uranium in Iraq and Afghanistan.
6. The Vice President advocates torture.
7. CIA agent's identity exposed for revenge.
8. "No Child Left Behind" leaves thousands on rooftops, homeless and dead.
9. A horse trainer was appointed the head of the Federal Emergency Management Admin. And a friend of the President was appointed for the Supreme Court. (Neither are in those positions now)
10. The majority of people of all creeds and colors believe that Gays being married would destroy the fabric of society.
11. The matter of abortions is still on the table but capital punishment isn't.
12. This is the quintessential point. "We will not pull out our troops from Iraq until there is victory." There is no way to win this war because you are not fighting another military force. You are fighting an idea which makes you the Inquisition. Wars are won when you kill so many people that the other side gives in. That, my friend, is SHIT THAT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!
Everyday that we stay in Iraq groups of people decide that it would be better to strap a bomb to their ass and blow their selves and some infidels up than to let the US have this country.
How do you win when the other side is not afraid of dying? How do you win when what you want is for a group of people to think like you? The only answer is to kill them all.

This is why people don't want to think, it's just too much to think that I'm from a country that is committing another holocaust.